Memories, or lack of them.

Have you ever been so afraid that you can feel the apprehension resting inside you like a chuck of lead? There's a sinker lodged right here in between my plates--there's got to be a hook in here, even though I can't feel it--and the line stretches out to somewhere I can't see, the thin wire getting fainter and fainter as I look back into my memory until it fades away totally. I don't know who's got the other end, but something tells me I can't just ignore this one...
Please don't ask me what happened, because I can't remember. My last memories are of carving pumpkins with Jack and Jill; the thin blade sinking into the orange flesh of the fruit and the appreciative 'eww' and 'yeech' noises coming from the pair of kids...putting the two jack o'lanterns out in front of the house, telling the story behind the tradition and snapping a few photos. I think I uploaded them after, but I can't be sure. The recollections get hazy and foggy, all conversations and actions slurring together into vague ideas: I think I went to work, so that means if I did then I played this music, did those kind of things. Just generalisations and mountains of circular logic. That's it...
... and then I'm waking up by the side of a road, vomiting into wet grass and dimly realising three things: one, I'm sleepy, two, I don't know where I am, and three--I'm scared. Not dread or apprehension, but hot animal terror--the kind that makes you want to run away or strike out at the first thing that moves in your sight. I can't adequately describe it in words, because I think I was beyond words...it's a miracle I could still read and type when I noticed the laptop computer. Whoever took me left it with me; I logged onto facebook and the rest is history.
I'm so glad I'm home and this is over, but is it over? This 'Kurt' did what he did for a reason; what was it?

In learning about different human societies, I've come across some very interesting points. The similarities between the ancient 'Varna system' in India and the (supposed) structure of our civilization's society are striking. The religious aspect may have been replaced with a biological one (for more on this idea, read the "poleepkwa phenotype paradox" post from a few days ago), but overall the two may be very alike. Here's an overview of the classic Varna/"caste" system, with possible parallels in poleepkwan society:
Brahmin: top caste--priests, scholars, teachers; lived in the best environment and had the (overall) best education for the time. Smallest percentage of population. *This could be the niche the 'queen' fills, making most decisions and passing laws.*
Kshatriyas: kings and warriors; defenders of the different 'kingdoms/districts'. 2nd-smallest percentage of population. *'Engineers' could fit in here, having higher standards of intelligence then the other classes but still subject to the queen's decisions. Presumably the ones who took care of the ship.*
Vaishyas: farmers, traders, artisans; grew and maintained food supplies and bartered goods with other castes. Association with a vaishya was not viewed as such a deplorable thing, but higher castes still spoke with them only when necessary. 2nd-largest percentage of population. *
Shudras: slaves, peasant farmers; the general 'worker class'. They took up the largest percentage of the overall population and were the least educated. *'Guards' and the like, who acted as 'citizen soldiers' and acted when the higher 'classes couldn't*
Another caste, the Untouchables, lived separately from all other castes and were the lowest of the low. Their jobs usually included tanning, cleaning trash and waste from the streets, and cremating the dead. To associate with an untouchable in any way was viewed as a crime. *I have not been able to think of nor hypothesize of an equivalent class in poleepkwan society. I personally hope we're above treating our fellow brethren this way.*
Each city or settlement was divided into 'districts' which were planned and deliberately designed to keep the different classes separate. *Perhaps a single ship acted as a settlement, with the 'command module' being the places where the queen and engineers lived and worked. The area where MNU originally cut in could be where the 'worker class' lived, but as the leaders had died by that time it really can't be proved.*
*Another interesting note to make was that the original varna system was based on skin color: lighter-skinned people at the top, darker-skinned ones at the bottom. It seems to be that the majority of us (the 'worker class') are dark-colored, without the markings or coloration of the 'guard' and higher castes that I've heard about.
**For more reading, I've included reference sites:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caste_system_in_India
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caste_system

Don't worry...about a thing...
'cuz every little thing gonna be alright.
Sure. Bob Marley was right about a lot of things, but when it comes to that, he was sadly mistaken. Things don't always turn out alright, even when you do worry. You can't just roll with the punches all the time...sooner or later you'll get slap-happy and forget why you're doing this in the first place, and that's the last thing we need: aimlessness.

If using acid is the closest you can get to schizophrenia without actually being insane, then withdrawal is the closest you can get to being bipolar without having the real deal. I'm not joking...it's hard to concentrate enough to even type this thing up now. One moment I'll be ecstatic and happy that my life is changing--I'm going to be a teacher and caretaker, I'm kicking my habits, I'm actually going to function as an involved member of an organisation again, woohoo! Vale la pena!--and then the nausea and insomnia (all things that end in 'a', especially when dealing with medicine, are awful) slaps me in the face and I crash into a shivering, irritable lump of misery. I'm trying not to complain a lot right now, but not sleeping really sucks when its coupled with a total digestive backup. It's not even nausea...it's your stomach backflipping and trying to crawl out your esophagus whenever you smell something cooking.
Christ, I miss being normal--or at least my kind of normal--when I could windowpane and lubricate myself with acid and alcohol to the point in which I was alone with my thoughts. Will I still be able to continue being a psychonaut, or has it closed off forever...that's the only thing I'm good at, damnit, except for being a disc jockey! I loved it, all of it, even though it was selfish and twisted and masochistic and antisocial...you learn so much about everything when you use acid...it doesn't matter if its good or bad. You learn, and I don't want to forget it all now that I'm sober.
I hope this rapid-cycling of mine doesn't scare the kids. Jack and Jill...they still seem to hate my guts but they aren't actually that bad. Even though they aren't related they could be siblings; they stick together and watch each other's backs--I honestly think they sleep in shifts, one watching over the other, because I've never seen them both resting at once. Whatever happened to them in D9 and D10 made them this close, I think...maybe that's not an exactly good or an exactly bad thing. They've got good heads on their shoulders--they could easily learn anything they wanted to learn, no problem. In the long run, it's up to them if they want to start trusting me and learn about things; in the same way I guess it's up to me if I want to break the habit.

The Darkling Thrush, by Thomas Hardy

I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre-grey,
And Winter's dregs made desolate
The weakening eye of day.
The tangled bine-stems scored the sky
Like strings of broken lyres,
And all mankind that haunted nigh
Had sought their household fires.
The land's sharp features seemed to be
The Century's corpse outleant,
His crypt the cloudy canopy,
The wind his death-lament.
The ancient pulse of germ and birth
Was shrunken hard and dry,
And every spirit upon earth
Seemed fervourless as I.
At once a voice arose among
The bleak twigs overhead
In a full-hearted evensong
Of joy illimited;
An aged thrush, frail, gaunt, and small,
In blast-beruffled plume,
Had chosen thus to fling his soul
Upon the growing gloom.
So little cause for carolings
Of such ecstatic sound
Was written on terrestrial things
Afar or nigh around,
That I could think there trembled through
His happy good-night air
Some blessed Hope, whereof he knew
And I was unaware.

Things have changed a lot since I left Virginia, and as soon as I got back home I was forced to adapt to those changes. Miss Miss had dyed her hair a bright pinkish color ("for breast cancer"), the woods had turned a dull red-brown as the leaves died, and a new collection of poleepkwa had been successfully snuck into the United States. Overall things were one hell of a lot different, and it's still hard to believe that this all happened in what...a few weeks?
The biggest difference? The appearance of two blurs of plating and energy named Jack and Jill. I'm not joking--Jack and Jill are their actual names. Apparently the two met while being smuggled out of D10 and joined forces to make--in my opinion--one of the most terrifying duos in history. Approximately fifteen seconds after I was introduced to them by Miss Miss, I was flat on my back and pinned beneath the two; I learned shortly after that they're fascinated with human wrestling, especially the move known as a 'mailbox' which involves one person driving the victim back while another crouches down and trips them.
I'm supposed to take care of them.
So this means no more acid trips, no more psychonautic activities. I have to keep these two out of trouble and keep them from running away from Miss Miss' place. If there is a god, please let him help me...

"The Poleepkwa Phenotype Paradox"

**This is a response to a question that was raised a short while ago. Thomas, if you want to discuss this in greater depth, email me at spacekricket@aol.com.
Our species is hermaphroditic, for those of you who may or may not know that. To clarify any questions that may arise from ignorance, I will briefly outline the birth process. We possess both 'male' and 'female' sexual organs, fertilise our own eggs with sperm, and carry the egg within our bodies until it is laid. After that, it must develop more outside the parent's body; soon it hatches into a child.
The entire process is pretty simple, in my opinion, and much easier and efficient from organisms that have only one gender. Poleepkwa can reproduce on their own without a mate, which increases the chances of the survival as a species. An individual can create an entire population; a single human would not be able to reproduce on their own. At the same time, this may be the ultimate genetic flaw in our species. Every child is essentially a clone of the parent, save for the times in which recessive genes--if they exist for poleepkwa--are brought to the surface and manifest. This explains how we all tend to look similar, excepting plating color and the presence of spikes or markings. We are all genetically alike, to the extent that (according to evolution) if our environment changed drastically or a disease that affected those of a specific gene sequence came up, we would not be able to adapt as quickly as organisms that reproduce sexually.
(On a side note, this may be the cause of our biological 'caste' system: a genetic mutation may have caused a poleepkwa to lay an egg that hatched into a poleepkwa of a different phenotype. Over time these developed through the generations into the different 'classes'. Keep in mind that I'm guessing on this, please. I'd rather not be 'flamed' or 'trolled'.)
Hypothetically then, if such a situation was to arise, would we survive? Unless we all began to mutate and produce offspring that carried the same mutation, it's unlikely. Evolution, according to Darwin, can take millions of years and countless generations. Perhaps we could speed up the process by removing sperm and eggs from two different poleepkwa and swapping them, but this would most likely be extremely painful and dangerous and therefore SHOULD NOT be attempted by anyone, professionals or amateurs alike. Seriously guys, don't try it. It's stupid to endanger anyone like that.
In conclusion: our method of reproduction allows for a population to be established quickly in a given environment, but it may or may not survive if said environment changed quickly.